Are you a stupid smart person?

As I’ve mentioned, there have been all kinds of self discoveries in the past few years. Skills and qualities that were buried, in shadow, or simply just non-existent before I set out on my own. Obviously, there’s the writing and other passions that have been unearthed which are manifesting themselves in fruit bearing, even intelligent seeming, endeavors.

And then there is the discovery of the exact opposite. Apparently, I am one of those people you might call “the dumbest smart person you’ve ever met.” I’ve been known to do some of the most ridiculous things, and then, like a dog that cannot be trained, I do them again. And again. I’m guilty of committing more clueless crimes than the ones I confess to below, but I’d like for you to continue reading future posts.

After reading this, please let me know, are you guilty of overt stupidity displays too? The kind that make you scratch your head and say to yourself (or to a stranger next to you who will label you crazy instead), “Wow, am I really that dumb?”

1) The other day I walked my dog to the dog park and couldn’t figure out why my jeans were so loose. I hadn’t lost that much weight, yet they were slipping down my hips. Did I bother to look down? Nope. That’s what a smart person would do. It turned out that not only was my fly open, but the zipper was too. Yes, I walked all the way to the dogpark like that.
2) I have to do a mental exercise before knowing the difference between right and left. Lifting an arm helps (my right, because I’m a rightie and this comes naturally) just to make sure.
3) When doors are clearly labeled “pull,” I push. Over and over, and then I get angry at the door. Just because I’m pushy doesn’t mean I’m right.
4) My new apartment came with a new dishwasher. I was so excited to use it that I broke it, came home to suds and water everywhere. But the super checked it and couldn’t find a thing wrong with it. Turned out I had put dish liquid in, rather than dishwasher detergent.
5) I frequently write anecdotes or blog ideas on my Blackberry, and then email them to myself. When my Blackberry dings eight seconds later, I get excited that I have a new message and wonder who it’s from.
6) I’ve broken my foot, sprained my ankle, sprained my foot, torn my whatchamacallit under my knee cap, pulled my back, and when people ask me how I did it, I tell them the truth: that I have no idea. I’m not even smart enough to come up with a cool excuse.
7) I once wore a dress inside out to work, but at least that piece of clothing was zipped up. How did I manage to zip it without realizing it was on backwards? How should I know?
8) I’ve been stumped by elevators that have doors on both sides, and have been caught waiting patiently for the wrong one to open. These are usually elevators I’ve ridden multiple times.
9) I’ve been to the grocery store to do some major shopping when I have a heavy computer bag in one hand, my dog tied up under a canopy outside, when it’s just started to rain. And it’s past delivery time. I realize this when I check out, not before.
10) I chastise myself for constantly losing my big yellow tape measure (this happened today, prompting this blog), only to find it in the fruit drawer, nestled amongst lemons and apples.

You might not be surprised to hear that I wear two different socks most of the time (hence mom’s purchase of that gorgeous pair), that I’ve taken business trips without packing any underwear or my glasses (which generally leads to things like #10), and that I’ve passed all of these traits onto my dog, poor thing. At six years of age (42 in human years), she still walks into glass doors, runs left when a ball is thrown right, and greets people by inhaling their crotches instead of shaking their hands. Maybe it’s because she’s a lefty. Or perhaps, she’s just mindful not to show me up. What a sweetie.

By the way, for those of you who put your big commercial productions in my hands, please do not panic. These kinds of foolish shenanigans do not endanger others. This is shit I do to myself.

Can you top that? I’m all ears. Listening, I can do.