A Jewish mother's advice on dating.

What a day. It started out (as all Monday’s do), sluggish, yicky, and overwhelmed by the plans I had lined up every night but this one.  And I had all sorts of heady and heavy blogs to write such as: what break ups are like (as if you don’t know), and the kinds of things we do to distract ourselves from heartache and loneliness. And from sending dumb ass texts to our exes like “I miss you,” or “Hi,” or “Twitter says you’re bored, can I help?”
But why bother when mom is back full force?
I had a date last night with a very nice man. A bear. He is about (gasp!) 19 years older than my ex-cub was. With a good job and a large…physique and lots of interesting things to say. He even had a few book suggestions for me to write down. It was positive. I came home and out of habit, I emailed my sisters and my mother a quick low down. This is to spare me from two things: 1) Having to rehash the same story three separate times, and 2) So that the next day I don’t have to talk about it again. Because as experience dictates, I really have no idea if I will ever hear from said dude again (for no particular reason except this is New York and guys are weird), and I don’t want to talk or think about it (because friends and mom get more worked up than I do) til there is a second or third date on the books.
So sisters write back the cute and expected: “Great! Sounds fun.” Two minutes pass. And then almost identical emails from both sisters come in: “Wait. He’s 46. Why isn’t he married?” My response: “I know! When I asked him that very question, he asked for the check (he paid) and said, ‘I’m bored-let’s-walk empire is starting in a few minutes.’”
This was mom’s response (Note: the following program might contain explicit language. The kind you need a Jewish mother glossary for. Brackets not included):
My Cougel. I like the date! But…5 things a lady should know (that’s assuming I am a lady…)
1. Be mysterious [hard to get…don’t divulge all your info].
2. Be flirtatious. Look straight in his eyes in a sexy way.
3. Show you are a ballbusty * [keep neat, like to cook basic things, home maker] (*Note: Mom wrote “ballbusty,” and at first I thought she meant “ball-buster” but now I realize she means “Ballabustah,” a yiddish term for “Jewish girl who’s a go-getter.”)
4. A lady in your manners [from not using words like bull, what the f… eat with your mouth closed! Use YOUR KNIFE IN THE RIGHT HAND, don’t make your little sandwiches using your fingers…]
5. Be your beautiful funny self. WATCH YOUR DRINKS. Real man hate women drinking. 
6. Don’t blog this.
Woops.
6 replies
  1. Cougel
    Cougel says:

    I think men (and women) in NYC, the longer they are bachelors, enjoying their life and freedom and friends, the harder it gets to settle down, no matter who you meet. I don’t necessarily think it means anything. But what do I know? By the way, does your mother say “ballbusty” too? Maybe they do know eachother 🙂

    Reply
  2. Erica Sara
    Erica Sara says:

    I think my mother uses “balabuster”! Well although I’m not in a huge rush to get married again, I’ve only started dating again a short while ago and I’m already tired & bored with it. oy 😉

    Reply
  3. Anonymous
    Anonymous says:

    “Wait. He’s 46. Why isn’t he married?”

    This is an obnoxious and off-putting question to ask of someone. Do you not realize how rude that is? Not every thought that pops into your or your sisters’ heads needs to be spoken out loud in a social setting.

    What do you hope to learn from the question anyway? Would it make a difference if he were married before and divorced? Because that would somehow show he is of better moral character? Because divorce is a badge of honor or something? As opposed to not getting into a bad marriage in the first place? The premise of your question is nonsensical.

    Reply

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