Can being sick after a break up heal you?
Since I unloaded a significant amount of raw emotion in my last post about my break up, I’m keeping this one simple. For one, I don’t have a whole lot to say (believe it). Not much has happened in the last week, whereas usually, in the weeks following a break up, I’m brimming with random dating stories or revelations – a typical template for me. After my two break ups with my first cub, I hit the ground running. And by running, I mean running from myself – from my feelings. I signed up for Jdate, allowed myself to be set up (by anyone except my mother or her friends – no offense), and went out every single night with my single girlfriends. I wasn’t on the hunt for a new boyfriend, hell no. But I was definitely on the hunt for a distraction from my heartache, and allowed myself to indulge in this kind of escape for a good three weeks, before either stopping the madness, or settling back into a normal routine where I’d make time for my writing, my family, and my friends (the married ones too).
This break up, it turns out, is different. I’m not moping. I’m not really depressed either. I don’t know if it’s because I knew things were going south a month before we split up, and I got a headstart, or if it has nothing to do with the relationship at all. It probably has a lot to do with me, and that finally, maybe? I’m better at knowing what I need. My life is full right now, without a boyfriend in it.
Or maybe, simply, I just wasn’t that into him.
I think we women can convince ourselves of almost anything. If we want a boyfriend, if we’ve decided that “it’s time,” we’ll hold on tight, despite the warning signs. I don’t think I did this with my ex, as evidenced by our swift break up, but I am probably guilty of allowing my agenda to obscure my doubts at the onset. I wanted a boyfriend. Period.
And so I had one. And it was really nice. Until it wasn’t.
So a day after we broke up, I got sick. And then I got better, for about four days, and then I got really sick. Looking back, this has happened to me with every single break up I’ve ever had. I’ve been told it’s my body “purging,” (that sounds gross), or that sorrow lowers the immune system. I think it’s probably a bit of both. And the fact that New York seems to be forever stuck in winter.
But this time I was almost as sick as I was when my ex-husband and I split (five days of high fever and no voice…metaphor?). Not only did I have a painful sinus infection which disturbed my sleep and required antibiotics (and thus seven days of no alcohol), I also got pink eye (in both eyes), like a ten year old. Which meant I couldn’t be around people, and had to wear my dorky glasses and no make up. Not the best look for a newly single cougar. After a brief tantrum (“I can’t get sick now! I have a new job! I have to write on the weekends! I want to go out, I have all these plans! I want to go to parties and bars! Waah!”) I calmed down and embraced it as forced quiet time.
For this break up, I had to do things differently. I couldn’t run from myself. I had to stay in, with my dog, my solitude, my books and my daydreaming, and once I settled into that, I realized how much I missed it.
It did occur to me that the magnitude of my illness post break up actually has no correlation to the magnitude of the loss. I wasn’t this ill because I was mourning some long lost love. I was ill because the universe (yes, the universe again) was sending me a message. This time, I needed to change my pattern. I needed to not default to my old ways. I needed to take a time out, and when we are in a rut, or merged with old habits, sometimes it takes an external force to get us to change.
So in a way, this forced detox helped me hetox too. And I needed both.
I guess we all cope with break ups in different ways. But I’m grateful to have discovered a better way. Obviously it helps that the guy and I didn’t share our lives yet. He had very few things in my apartment, and I can’t help but remember catching him on the morning we decided to break up, scanning the closets and counters to check if he had left anything behind, signaling that it was really over. He did forget his toothbrush though, and I haven’t thrown it away. Old toothbrushes are really good for cleaning tough stains on shoes. And toilets.
I have two more days of hermitage to go, and I’m making the most of it. I managed to finish yet another revision on my book, and watch some really bad TV, a rare feat for me.
And so with my book off my plate once again, my health and my contact lenses back, I’ll be ready to get back out there.
Hopefully the sun will too.
Oritte, thanks for sharing your stories. You are brave to be vulnerable
and I admire you for your honesty.
I was at a wedding last night (boy I havent been to one of those in a long time) of a dear friend. He is in his 60’s and she in her 50’s (her first marriage, his second) and they were both SO HAPPY they had each finally found their perfect someone. (She told me that she had given up finding her “perfect someone”.) But then, unexpectedly, they met 2 years ago in a market and BAM it was head over heels in love for them both—something neither of them had ever felt. They are so perfect for each other that it is lovely to share their happiness.
I can’t help thinking of you and your journey to your perfect someone.
I doubt it will take you as long as it did them, but I guess love has it’s own time. Til then, I hope you can find joy in the journey.
Cougel,
I’m so grateful for your blog. Every time I read it, it gives me a bit of strength.
It’s a strange privilege to witness the ups and downs of another’s life–especially when it has so many parallels with one’s own.
I wish you so much happiness.
I love how you said you had nothing to say, and yet you had plenty of wise things to share. Keep it coming!
Old toothbrushes are really good for cleaning tough stains on shoes. And toilets.
This should have been the opening line of your post. Don’t bury the lead next time. Also, I must recommend you stay single for a few months. This is mandatory. No dates, no casual make-outs, no flirting. I can guarantee you’ll be a much better-suited cougel to date once July arrives.
Just stumbled across this post, nice work! I am currently sick after a break up…