Dating in NYC: WTF?
I’ve had this conversation a lot lately, so I thought I’d commit it to paper (er, the web).
What is wrong with the dating scene in New York? Is it me, or is true that (I quote friends),“Men in NY are retarded, or at best, weird?” I know men complain about the same thing in regards to women, and I’m convinced there is truth to that too. Is it the climate of this city, or is it the kinds of people it attracts? Do we all share a common restlessness or fantasy that something “better” is just around the corner, preventing us from committing to one person? Or does it have nothing to do with us. Is there just something in the tap water? (Maybe I should be ordering sparkling.)
The upside is that because it’s so difficult to meet available, age appropriate men that aren’t d-bags (and women that aren’t bat shit) a lot of New Yorkers go online to find a mate. So I thought I’d try that too. There’s a fairly new dating site that I heard was cool, free, with more “creative types” (which sometimes translates into narcissistic and poor). Here are some examples of profiles I’ve come across on said site:
1. “I am a very together kind of guy. I am very passionate yet controlled. I have a good head on my shoulders and in my pants.”
2. “In the course of doing psych testing with a 10 year old boy I was told I had ‘gay hands.’”
3. “I’m really funny. I’m a comedy writer. It might not show in what I’m writing here but trust me.”
4. “I’m living paycheck to paycheck…except without the paycheck. I care for my elderly cat, who has many health issues. He is my soul mate.”
5. “If you’ve read this far, I think it’s okay to say I’m on this site for sex. I’m very fit. I’m not interested in a relationship. I don’t want kids. I don’t like dogs.”
6. “I’m educated and cultured, fun and funny, and have my fecal matter together for the most part.”
So many options! How is a girl to choose?
My friend met a guy on Match. His profile specified “straight” but we all suspected otherwise. After more than five dates, where he expressed serious interest in her and had another date on the books, he disappeared. My friend was worried about him. When he finally surfaced six days later, he apologized: “I had family visiting from abroad. We went to see Billy Elliot! I loved it so much!” Another friend of mine’s date brought his two Chihuahuas with him to dinner. And then to bed. I just had a first (and last) date with a dude who brought me to a restaurant he “semi-owned” (shoulda been my first clue), where he proceeded to put his hands all over the female manager whenever she came by our table, and called her when we left. There’s also a longer story I won’t mention here, where a guy eyed my smooth arms, asked if I shave them, then told me he shaves his legs. And not because he’s a swimmer.
I realize this might come off as mean-spirited, but who can ignore the humor in all of this? Yes, these men are being honest I guess, but if you’re trying to woo a woman, there are some basic things you should know, such as, if you’re a strange bird and you kinda know it, “Be yourself!” is not the best course to take.
When people ask me how it’s going, and I explain what I am up against, they recommend the following:
Mom: Why don’t you join AIPAC or the JCC so you can meet Jewish men? Go to lectures about the holocaust!
Sister: You should become a tri-athlete!
Sister 2: Take a cooking class.
Friend: Why don’t you move to S. Africa?
New York, I love you. But at this rate, maybe I should try the latter.
I think your mom may be onto something with the holocaust lectures. Contact the event planner – perhaps you can set up a little booth and hand out pamphlets with your pics and bio to potential mates. You can dress as “slutty Hitler” – they might have some costumes left over in the bargain rack at the Halloween stores.
I’m in LA, but the dating scene here is equally rough. I think big cities have it the worst. Try to keep your head up, girl!
Jeez, you get all the good ones :-p
“I have my fecal matter together for the most part.”
Pleeeease go out with him. But you should bring a box of Imodium, just in case you catch him on an “off” day.
Hilarious post, my dear.
This has to be one of the funniest posts ever. I am telling you – NYC attracts the most beautiful people in the world, and the most crazy! if you really want a boyfriend, – I recommend moving to another state, or better yet, another country, where americans are ‘exotic and exciting.’ South Africa -watch out for Cougel!
As far as the guys I know that are single in this city; they’re all off in one way or another; unfortunately. And if they’re not off in the head, then there’s something wrong with them physically…too short, just not attractive, no hair…etc etc…
As far as the single women I know….they’re way too picky! Looking for that perfect man; who doesn’t exist! And most of them are just plain fucken nuts!!
Good luck, Cougel!
In conclusion, New Yorkers are retards. True.
i’d definitely choose fecal matter guy. poop jokes are funny.
reminds me of the scene from the movie Singles when they all watch the dating reel and afterwards agree, “the bicycle dude, definitely.”
this post is some funny shit! woops!!
Billy Elliott? That’s just brilliant…. Great post as always Cougel. Keep up the good work!
This was funny and I liked it. I’m years out of the dating scene but I think the problem may be too many choices in NYC. You need a small town with only a single bar. Then you just pick between the aging ex jock alcoholic, the bearded abusive biker alcoholic, the scrawny pocked marked mulleted garage mechanic alcoholic or the lives in his mom’s basement overweight comic book collecting alcoholic. If that doesn’t work there’s small town plan B, someone elses husband or boyfriend. Move to a small town, I’m tellin’ ya…..
Become a triathlete? You? hilarious.
New York City, like all places where there is great wealth and many pretty things, contains many, many people who believe they are entitled to things that they haven’t “earned.” Whether in terms of material things, or in traits one might want in a partner.
I have no complaints about dating in New York — it suits me very well. In my exprience, most people who have such complaints, about dating or about not being able to find an “appropriate” partner fall into the category of “entitled, without having earned it.” I’m not saying this is true of you, Cougel, but if you look deeper, those people usually have expectations in a partner that are unrealistic based on what they, themselves, bring to the table.
yeah … gemma is best,,,gp
Terrific as always Cougel! You are my witty, favorite hero of women and our adventures. As someone newly on the dating scene I’ve been doing my fair share of ‘relationship’ reading and learning. Haven’t made it to the actual dating part yet…hmmm. I did sign up on an internet site for awhile but discovered that ‘activity partner’ did not mean going to the movies or dinner. Apparently I was supposed to pick ‘dating’. The first response was from a 30 year old who flattered me with, “Hi, I’m 30. I still live at home with Mom, we’ll have to have sex at your place.” Wtf! Hahaha…the cougar in me was flattered…but, no.
Fabulous and hilarious!
First of all, there is something in the tap water. It’s called lead. We are now supposed to let our water run for thirty seconds before drinking or boiling!
Secondly, for a lot of people, I think the grass is greener. It may be easier to meet and marry someone in a small town, but let me give my precious NYC a positive spin:
Isn’t there something beautiful about finding the person who is truly for you in the midst of this crazy dating scene? Like out all of the other options, you chose each other…and not just because you two were the last ones in the towns only single bar!
Here is the best advice, its probably you. Women in NYC are typically overbearing and judgemental. The guys here are actually very nice. My ex visited from the south and the women were rude to her but the guys were always eager to help her find her way around. Women in the south are a lot more laid back and happier (probably the seasonal affective disorder). When I speak to other guys in NYC who have some experience in the south we always discuss how different the women are. Its usually a given we’d rather be with someone less complicated (also less bitchy). This isn’t anything new NY has been known for a long time to the rest of the US how obnoxious nyc women (japs in particular) are. If you find the perfect guy he probably wont put up with your BS.
If I didn’t adore you & this site so much, I’d have to stop reading it b/c I’m already way too hesitant to get out there & this isn’t helping! But seriously, I’ve heard the whole “always looking for something better” thing and just don’t buy it. Once you’ve found the right person, there’s no reason to look for something better, right? Sigh…