Have you already met your match, but screwed it up?
The word “bashert” is a word I’ve heard for as long as I can remember. It’s Yiddish for “pre-destined” (i.e. the person we are intended to marry). My first thought, based on where I am today, is to say that having this idea, this goal or fantasy implanted in a person at such a young age can only lead to disappointment; to the bubble bursting, where we marry someone we “think” is right when we are too young to know – or know ourselves – only to come crashing down later. Or, it leads us to the waiting game, where we hold down the single fort, searching for the right person and potentially missing the boat – or blinding us from seeing who is right (even when that “Mr. Right for me” is actually standing right in front of us).
It took me fourteen years of commitment to my ex-husband, and almost four years of healing and growing afterwards, which includes being in other relationships, to go from believing that he was wrong for me – that he was in no way my bashert – to wonder if perhaps he was.
Record scratch.
Let me back up. I don’t say that lightly, nor do I say that with sadness or regret. I just find myself wondering, after having finally been around the dating block (which I missed out on in my twenties), if I met my ex-husband today – if we were set up or met on Jdate – if we’d actually be a really good match. Come to think of it, out of all the lame set ups and disappointing dates I’ve had, he’d be a great call. I’d put money down that we’d probably get past the elusive date three, and maybe even be in a relationship.
Is that crazy? Maybe. I probably sound crazy saying this, but I’ll bet I’m not the only divorced woman whose mind this has crossed. Important note: this feeling does not stem from nostalgia or romanticizing the past. This is called, I think, an outcome of living, experiencing and learning what we actually want. If you marry young, like I did, how are you supposed to know what’s right for you? And trust and faith, with no reference to compare what you have against, is a reach. The other and equally important point to make is that of course, if my ex-husband and I had met for the first time today, we would be different people. Different than who we were when we were 20, but also different than we would have been as a result of our marriage and divorce to one another.
According to orthodox Jewish belief (I heard this from my brilliant sister and bro-in law via conversations we have about marriage and love; I’m in no way an expert on this), Adam and Eve were bashert too. They were pre-ordained by God to be together; God had a master plan.
Until the apple screwed it all up.
Is there a metaphorical apple in all relationships that fail? And does divorce represent a fail, or can intact marriages still be failing, without it being obvious? (Probably a different blog topic). Can two people actually be bashert, but they either don’t have the tools to recognize it, or the apple seduces their intentions away?
If I had to pick one thing (okay, two) apples in my marriage, it would be 1) marrying too young to know what we wanted, without a chance to evolve as individuals, and 2) Hollywood. My ex-husband and I wrote screenplays together. We shared the determination to make it in the movie business, and when we split, we both recognized that the moment we agreed to pursue that dream, we had made a deal with the devil. Or the snake. You get the analogy.
For those of you who read this blog, you already know that I don’t attempt to provide answers. Especially not on a topic as loaded as fate and destiny. But what l I can do is call to mind two quotes that might apply: “Wisdom is wasted on the old,” and “Be ready for your luck.” In other words, in order to acquire the tools – the intuition and the vision – to see when what is right for you is within your grasp, you have to experience life. You have to taste it.
Even if it means taking a bite of the damn apple.
divorce is not a failure. just a life experience you needed to have. most couples who get together young grow apart. it took courage for you to leave. many couples stay together anyway and endure it. people are amazingly able to just shut down and go into survival mode. there are the rare few who actually grow together as they mature. we are not fully formed in our 20’s. we do not know who we are yet. some people need to have many relationship experiences to know what they want/need. i am one of those people. all those experiences, made me realize when i met my husband at 35 that this was what i needed. 9 years later, it still is. i needed my history to recognize the man i needed. i needed those other men to lead me here. your ex was a chapter. your single life now is a chapter. listen, there is nothing harder than being a single woman in your late 30’s wanting to get married and be a mom. you need to trust. you will find love again. just be open. it may not look the way you want it too. all the boxes might not be checked. keep your heart open.
I think there is more than one match or even soul mate out there for us, it all depends on how you look at it and the willingness to make it work.
Loved your mature, eye opener blog.
Hope and luck,will bring you happiness.
nudnick
Interesting musing. I’m not sure I buy into the notion of bashert, more that we may have several people with whom we are a great match at a point in time – but not necessarily for 50 years.
I think I prefer that concept. The notion of a soul mate seems nearly impossible for most of us to live up to. And I think that’s what’s wrong with marriage at least in part. Outlandish expectations.
Maybe you should call him or send him this blog posting and see if he feels the same way. Maybe he does. People get remarried all the time. Anyway, I enjoy your blog. It makes me feel a bit less alone in the fight for a good man, a good life, and a good marriage. Its hard, isn’t it?
Hey Cougel! What an oddly timely posting. I reconnected last month with a man I dated when I was 18, and lived with when I was 22. We’re 38 and 42 now, and it’s both familiar and entirely new at the same time. It’s very, very strange, and I don’t know what to make of it yet, so I’m just trying to enjoy the KERPOW of it for now.
I don’t believe in the solitary soulmate idea anymore. I think that some people are meant for the constance of marriage because of their personalities, just as some people have very steady personalities for most of their lives. That’s not a judgment of people who change a lot, or don’t change a lot. And, you can’t always tell if you (or your spouse) is one type or the other. Further, as in your case, you may just be too young, and don’t have a real personality yet when you meet each other. It’s all very tricky and capricious.
I think all we can hope for is to be open and honest as we know how to be, and be as kind and mindful of each other as we can.