Disappointments in love: are we ourselves to blame?
Wisdom comes with age, right? But what about immunity against disappointment, and even heartache?
How many relationships have we found ourselves in, that when they fall apart, we tell ourselves, “I knew this was going to happen.” Well, if we forecasted its demise, or even its lack of sustainability, then why do we go there to begin with?
Except for my marriage, which going in, I naturally did not doubt its promise for longevity, I’ve since been in other relationships where I knew there were major obstacles at the start. My last two ex-cubs, by sheer virtue of our age and stage in life differences, were unlikely pairings, not to mention other obvious reasons. Did I recognize that the obstacles were there at the onset? Yes. Did I plow through regardless, hoping that love would conquer all? Probably. Was I still surprised and upset when my initial doubts proved correct in the end? Absolutely.
I’ve also had some false starts in the past few years, where I met a guy who I crushed out on instantly (infatuation fever is my chronic condition, and I accept it). We had a lot in common and shared the same values. One of them lived in Israel, but I convinced myself that we could “Skype it out.” Another lived closer, on this continent, just a few hours away. “Give it a chance,” friends said. “At this stage in your life, and in his, it’s hard to find someone you’re compatible with. Who is nice. And who isn’t taken.” I think what they also meant, but didn’t voice to me was, “At your age, especially since you’re divorced, you have to be even more open to compromise (read: settle?).
So with these hopeful mantras in mind, I decided these relationships must be worth exploring. Even though somewhere deep down I sensed they didn’t have legs to bridge all that distance (which goes beyond just the geographical.) And after only a few months of feverish sexting and phone calls, those relationships (if you could even call it that) were extinguished as abruptly as they had been ignited.
So then why go there? Is it (pop quiz!):
A) Hopeless romanticism: We think that if we try hard enough, if we love enough, we can overcome the barriers.
B) Fear that the right thing – the right click – will never come along, so we have to nurture the bird in hand, even when it’s a squirmy little f*cker.
C) Naïve optimism: a belief that we can inhabit the moment and just enjoy it (ie. the “you only live once” excuse.)
D) An exaggerated sense of our own resiliency, where we think, “I won’t get attached. I won’t be hurt. And even if I do, I can recover quickly.”
E) Lack of any other options calling, texting, or even thinking about us. So the compromised option is looking even more appealing.
F) All of the above.
You can probably guess which answer I’d pick. (Yes, a big fat “F,” like my 9th grade History tests). I think it’s a combination of many factors. And it doesn’t necessarily get easier with age or wisdom. The disappointments don’t hurt any less, but I know that at least for me, they don’t last nearly as long.
A friend told me something that resonated with me, which she heard from her mother: “Love never killed anyone.”
Personally, I interpret that to mean: “Go there.” Can’t we be optimistic and romantic, and embrace the opportunity for love whole-heartedly, regardless of apparent obstacles? As long as we are aware that they exist?
Because even if you think you know – you never really know if you don’t try. Right?
“Love never killed anyone”
no, but it hurts like hell at the time. You are living a big life with big dreams, willing to take risks. I congratulate you for that. I read once that finding the right mate is just a matter of numbers…meet enough
men/women and you’ll eventually find the right one.
Love never killed anyone. Is that true? but then why can the symptoms of lost love feel like you’re dying? hmm. I agree that it is up to the person whether they are up for taking that risk. I dont know if Im that kind of person. but maybe I havent found the person I want to take that risk for.
The final verdict re. gender issues affecting the human species here on Planet Earth — fully confirmed by the results of my informal yet 100% rigorous research [conducted during my 6+ decades of life] — is that “”” Women need to be loved, and men love to be needed. “”” … unless one experiences a case where both of these elements manifest themselves to the fullest, there’s indeed a strong risk of the relationship’s ultimate failure, Heaven forbid! … to achieve a perfect marriage, in regard to each partner there must first exist an offer to the other soul-mate (as much as for the sake of oneself) of, what ultimately is, a bi-directional / mutual / reciprocated “perfect” [consummate!!!] love where all three of the following ingredients are present: 1/. passion; 2/ intimacy; & 3/ commitment … LOVE & BLESSINGS! … CHEERS!
Love has killed many. Look at history. Helen of Troy. The face that launched a thousand ships.
Great post. And the short answer?
Yep. We’re at least in part to blame – with unrealistic expectations (reinforced by media), an amorous attention span of a gnat (at times), a tendency to be in love with love (rather than the reality of a person?), not to mention, confusing sex with love.
Must I really go on?
(You know I could.)
🙂
We could all do with more grown up love – expecting more of ourselves in fulfilling ourselves, and less of others, to somehow work miracles.
um, option g: because you don’t really want a “real” relationship? Real, meaning, it only actually begins when both people are in it, committed to it and have decided to make it work. All the sexting and phoning and deliberating – pre-stage of relationship.
Maybe the divorce was so devastatingly disappointing that you pick people with whom it couldn’t possibly work out from the start.
I went to see a psychic perform in a stage show where she combined reading people from the audience along with real stories from her life. One of her stories was about the man she married. She was at a bar with her friend. She turned to her friend and said, “see that guy over there. I’m going to marry him. And then I’m going to divorce him.” Her friend questioned, “well if you already know you’re going to divorce him, why marry him in the first place?” The psychic responded, “because I have no idea what happens in between.”
I love this post, especially the pop quiz! (I’m part naive optimism and an exaggerated sense of my own resiliency.) I can look back on some relationships in which I convinced myself that the signs weren’t important. But, there were other relationships in which I was just played. I can let those losses go because I can’t miss someone who wasn’t his authentic self with me.
This is a great list! I’m typically a blend of naive optimism and hopeless romanticism, but I have used the resiliency excuse before. I don’t think we’re entirely to blame, but we have to accept some responsibility, right?