Can logic get in the way of love?
This question has been cropping up lately, in various forms. It wasn’t a consideration when I was in my twenties, and surely not when I decided to marry my ex-husband. Once we were committed to one another, the goal was to make it work, despite our practical differences and sometimes what seemed like insurmountable obstacles, such as financial issues and a difference in our short term goals.
The goal to make it work – that decision – goes a long way. It’s the fuel in the relationship gas tank, at least for the first few years, and for some, it can keep the relationship running for infinite miles. And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, especially in marriages that are working on some level – and especially when there are children involved.
But is practicality, the glue for many marriages, ironically a commitment preventative for singles or divorces? Is it different when you’re in your thirties or forties, when you’ve experienced enough to spot the impracticalities of a relationship early on? Do you obey the stop sign, or do you listen to your heart that’s screaming “go!” and floor it?
Car metaphors aside, are we overthinking? Does knowing too much, does logic, get in the way of our emotions? Is it used as a defense mechanism that blocks us from giving something a chance to develop, or does it protect us from wasting our time and getting hurt?
I stayed in on Friday night, and after pretending to watch “Dark Knight” (perhaps to pay the late Heath Ledger respects, except he didn’t look like I remembered him), I found myself watching the last half hour of “The Bridges of Madison County” (sob). I read that book over ten years ago, when I was embarking on the marriage journey, and even back then it filled me with romantic yearning. What was Francesca going to choose? The practical – her life, home, and family that she had invested in, the only life she knew? Or was she going to throw it all away for her one true love, despite its apparent infeasibility? Clint Eastwood’s character says, “This kind of certainty comes only once in a lifetime.” For him, an unmarried maverick, the decision was simple.
I don’t think it was a coincidence that I happened upon this film at this time. Now that I’m back to being single and meeting potential long-term mates, practical considerations seem to be more flagrant than ever. After all, they are the required facts on an online dating profile. Is the guy age appropriate, does he live in New York? Is he divorced, does he have children? There’s a reason this checklist exists, and a reason why we choose to contact that person, or click “next.”
But what happens when you meet someone you really like, who defies the checklist? Do you throw logic to the wind, and go there anyway? It’s likely that the next guy I fall for will be the opposite of a young cub: older, divorced, and who already has children.
What if he doesn’t want to have any more kids – when I do? Would I be an irrational fool to attempt the potential for love, or an even bigger fool to turn my back on it?
You could say that I’ve already been there, with my past two young cub relationships. I acknowledged our potential issues, but chose to obscure them, in order to give things a chance. It’s no big surprise however, that the practical got the best of us. It’s no big surprise that my relationship with a guy eleven years my junior could ultimately not go the distance. Or that he’s now dating a girl fourteen years my junior; more appropriate for him and his life stage. It’s no surprise that my recent relationship stalled only four months in, when I knew going in that our timing and needs were not in sync. I don’t regret these relationships, but I can conclude that while love existed, it could not transcend our practical differences.
In the end, Francesca chose her family. After her death, she left a letter (had there been texting back then, the whole story – perhaps the whole love affair – would have turned out differently) to her children: “I gave up my life for you.”
I’d seen this movie before, and I knew how it was going to end, but yet this line surprised and saddened me. Did she really give up her life – and true love – for what made sense, and did she regret it?
Does it have to be one or the other?
Ugh. Wish I *didn’t* relate to this, but it seems to describe exactly what I’m going through at the moment. Blurgh.
Was Francesca Jewish, or Catholic? What an awful guilt-inducing message to leave your children, even if it was true!
With her second husband, four years after my dad died, my mom chose impractical (he was 13 years younger, no kids, had to move across the country), romantic (they met in January, started dating in March, were married in August) love with all its complications, and they have been happily married for just under 22 years.
All love is impractical! I hope you find yours soon!
If you meet a man you love, or think you can love, i say who cares if he has ten kids and lives in Alaska. You go for it. life is short, and circumstances change. it would be a different story if you were 23, but you’re not. and real connections dont come around every day. Just saying.
Interesting piece. I actually think what Francesca did was honorable…sad but honorable…of course, there were kids involved. It also reminded me of that movie with Diane Lane…she’s married to a practical guy who bores her and she falls madly in love with the impractical and incredibly hot Viggo Mortenson, who wants her to run away with him. In the end, she chooses to stay with her husband and kids because they’re part of “who” she is.
I tend to think that we’re more likely to be happy in relationships if we don’t expect them to make us happy…of course I say this as someone who’s divorced with kids!
I’m also a fan of practical. But then, I’m a Virgo 🙂
These questions could drive me insane if I did not have faith to lean back on. There are simple issues of right and wrong that I let be my compass. I never liked BOMC because I believe in faithfulness even tho I tried to play the game when I was younger.
I used to think attraction ruled. Now as a single mother and in the company of so many divorced people with ruined lives I think following the feeling alone is too risky.
I just read Peace From Broken Pieces a womans journey through a lot of things. The man she loved from her youth could never commit to her. Blind immaturity is what I call that feelings be damned. It was NO shock to me that it ended so badly. As wise as she seems to be logic missed her there.
I hated the ending to Bridges when I saw it as a young woman, and I still hate it now, though I understand every bit of her reason for choosing logic over passion. You ask important questions that dig beneath the veneer of happily ever after. My opinion is that each relationship is unique and teaches us something new. We can’t say ahead of time what it is we might do, only listen to our inner wisdom during the time we are in it and go from there. My hope is that we all experience this relationship dissonance in our lifetimes so we gain appreciation for how nuanced and wonderfully messy love can be.
Great post! I think it’s easy to overanalyze a relationship and let logic rule your emotion. I’ve been accused by more than one ex for being too much like a lawyer in a relationship. I’ve had to make a concerted effort to focus on my feelings and not my thoughts.