Can you predict when a guy is gonna bail?
Can you isolate the exact moment on a date or in a relationship when you know it’s not going to work out, that the guy is going to go bye-bye?
It sounds funny, but I’m going to call it “the moment of imminent ‘poof'” (no not like that).
It used to take me at least five dates, or feel like a slap in the face, when after what I thought was a good date, with future potential, a guy vanished.
But the signs are always there for the taking. Then why do we ignore them? Does our desire to project an open mind, or to be in a relationship, blind us from listening to our gut?
Last year I met a guy through a friend who I wasn’t initially interested in at all, until my friend told me how “into me” he was, and that he (creepishly?) looked at my Facebook photos a lot. I was flattered. Flattery does work, whether we want to admit it or not. Besides, he was a nice Jewish boy – smart, funny, and “only” six years my junior. Looking back, maybe those “check list” things (the kind I could boast about to my mother) wooed me and blocked me from assessing whether I actually truly connected with the guy. We eventually began a dialogue and went on a date. Three hours of talking plus two hours of being “those people” at a bar (making out in the corner) equals a good date, no? My friend confirmed this: “He had an amazing time. He’s so into you.” Cut to date two, where I was pleasantly surprised to learn that physically we connected too. When he left, I was humming to myself, hopeful.
So I didn’t find it unreasonable to text him the following day (cringe), “Last night was fun.”
It took him six hours to respond with three words: “Glad you enjoyed.”
Excuse me?
Needless to say, my imminent poof detector was out of whack back then. While I knew that this comment signaled something was wrong (and I didn’t write back), I felt slighted. And when I didn’t hear from him again, I felt deflated and confused. Had I been blinded by my desire to bounce back from break up #2 with my cub unscathed, that I hadn’t been able to see this coming from the get go? The guy was going through a life change when we met. He had quit his job, rented out his apartment, and was leaving the city on a six month quest in search of himself. What caused me to bother getting involved in the first place, you ask? Naïve romanticism? Loneliness? Okay, fine. Stupidity.
When it comes to romantic maturity, I’m 38 going on 23. I like to blame the fact that I was married for so long – frozen in time – and haven’t benefited from the growth that dating in your twenties fosters. You could say it’s why I keep going back to dating guys that are ten years younger than me. We probably have the same emotional maturity quotient.
But guess what? I’m learning!
On the last slew of dates I’ve had post break up, I’ve managed to listen to my gut. Somewhere in the midst of date one or two, I’ve learned to sense when it’s not going to work – that instance when something in the dynamic shifts. Whether it’s how a guy says something, or what he doesn’t say.
For example, I met a tall handsome Israeli (should have been my first clue) at a party (he looked 36, but I found out later he was 29). He showed promise. When he asked me out, he used the telephone. Drinks at the bar were flirty and friendly and so was the first half of dinner. Conversation was flowing. And then the alcohol was too. He was drinking two glasses to my one, and then ordered another bottle. I noticed it, but it wasn’t until he started flirting with the female manager – right in front of me – that I realized, this guy’s gonna go poof. When the date ended, he hastily kissed me on the lips and said, “I’ll call ya tomorrow!” before running off. I wasn’t surprised when I never heard from him again.
But only later did I realize that the real defining moment was when he dared to ask me mid-dinner, “So how old are you exactly?”
“Older than you,” I said.
“Well I know that!” he remarked with an arrogant toss of his head.
And then what did I do? To my disgust and shame, I lied. I told him I was 37. A whole year younger than my actual age.
I mean, if you’re going to do something as gross as lie about your age, you might as well go for it. I realized later that his questioning had made me feel insecure enough to feel flustered, and it was in that instance that I knew there would never be a second date. And I didn’t want one.
I also went on a few dates with a sexy man fifteen years my senior whom doesn’t live in NY. We had had an ongoing flirtation for some time, and now that I was single again, we went out when he was in town. I was cautious to risk getting attached to someone long distance, but was willing to give it a shot; to at the very least, have some fun (wink wink).
After two dates (which he initiated) consisting of intense school kid style make out sessions on the sidewalk – when he had a hotel room three blocks away – I started to wonder. What’s a man in his fifties, who doesn’t seem interested in a long-term commitment – even though he had expressed interest (and apprehension) in that potential between us – bothering with me at all? With a woman who he’s not going to see often, unless its for sex?
But it never went there either. By the third date, where we met up with a mutual friend, I could sense a shift. In myself. Suddenly, inexplicably, my interest went “poof.” When we walked towards my apartment, I noticed that he was keeping his distance, even though we had kissed passionately just the night before. We had nothing to say to each other. Perhaps he was sensing my sudden disinterest. And then when we were two blocks from my apartment, he unchivalrously decided to take a short cut to his hotel, rather than walk me all the way home.
I knew it too, with my ex-cub. In the month before our break up, I could sense he was gonna go bye-bye, before he did. It was an accumulation of all the tiny intangible changes in his behavior and attention that telegraphed that the end was near. I don’t know if it’s a skill that we women have inherently, to be keen observers and intuition listeners, but it’s a gift nonetheless.
I guess the point is that sometimes, the underlying reason isn’t discernable, nor is it important. Sometimes it’s enough to just listen to yourself, to keep your eyes and heart open, and see the signs for what they are. Sometimes things just don’t click – no matter how much you want them to – and why doesn’t matter.
It’s possible that after investing so much time in my last boyfriend, when deep down I probably knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere, I’ve learned that my gut is there to save me. Save me from wasting precious time with a guy that’s already planning on going poof, even if he doesn’t know it himself.
Any of you have examples of moments that you thankfully paid attention to? Or ones that looking back, you realized that you willfully ignored?
I wish I would’ve paid more attention the last year of my marriage. It might have saved me heartache and definitely would’ve saved me time.
I guess I just wish it was less of a game and more straight forward. “I like you” should mean just that and if not then “I dont think this will work” would be nice. But maybe I’m naive. Ugh I hate the whole dating thing!!!!
Great post. Been there. Guy got up to pee six time during dinner. Whatever he was doing in there, i knew he didnt want to be at the table with me.
You are maturing faster then you think !
Funny you .Listening to your instincts.
Loved this post.
nudnick
Its the same with friendships too. Things can feel off, or a drain, and we ignore it to avoid making a mess. So important to listen to our feelings, in any relationship.
Very interesting. Especially since I am a guy in my early twenties.
Honestly, I have had a situation many times before, where I have made out with a girl intensely at a bar or a club and then nothing followed.
The night might have been great, but for some reason it did not lead to sex that night.
That’s OK. However, I have often times felt different about the girl afterwards. While it was fun and exciting before, it then went to boring and uninteresting.
Everybody likes to make out. But since I noticed this change of feelings in myself, I have made it a point to forego the heavy make out in public. This makes it a lot more exciting when we go out a second time or find each other in the bedroom.
Interesting post for many reasons! It always seems like a good sign when you are “one of those people” in the initial stages of dating, but with this guy I think the red flags were there! Too much of a transition he’s in. But I think you knew of that. The end of this blog shows a lot of inner strength- no matter what age you are on! Listen to your gut; I do think it’s on point! Regardless of all that, you deserve a guy who answers within a six hour time frame! On to the next! –
Can you predict it? I think so. If a guy stumbles on anything commitment related you know it’s bad news. Asking him any question that includes any mix of the following:
Goals (maybe not so much)
Commitment.
Kids.
Marriage.
Peer through the windows to his soul, aka his eyes and hold the guy’s gaze. Does he hold your gaze as well?
It’s these little questions that seem to be the most telling imo.
I don’t think it’s fair to assess that you have the emotionally maturity of a 23 year old when it comes to dating. A marriage good or bad does force you to grow and constantly deal with issues that come up with one person. Dating does not–don’t like this one, just move on.
I’ve found when I begin to sense disinterest from women, I do begin to back off and it may be in small ways. It not necessarily because of fear of being hurt, but more of fear or being embarassed for me at least.
Great post. I totally relate to feeling like 23 with dating, even though im 37. I have found that as I date more guys, Im getting better at identifying the signals and identifying them WAY more quickly, as it sounds like you clearly are.
Your gut is 100% there to save you..and its always there. Sometimes you let it guide you and other times ignore it because a certain situation is fun or intriguing. But, I really believe it is always available there with the right message for you.
–Datingnovice