Love, Etc. Why do we need it?
There’s nothing better than seeing a film about love to snap you out of a “who needs love” frame of mind, especially when it is an unscripted documentary.
After an insulated week spent in the illusion that is the bubble of Cannes, I was anticipating the reality of spending the long holiday weekend in NYC, alone, with a touch of dread. I was worried I’d feel like I did over Memorial Day weekend, when everyone was coupled off or in the Hamptons, and it didn’t help that it was my birthday.
But it taught me how to preempt any gloom – to cut it off at the pass. I wonder if sometimes we subconsciously drive ourselves to rock bottom as a catalyst for action. I was determined to independently make my weekend meaningful and optimistic – without relying on anyone else.
It’s been awhile since I’ve been in that space. When I was in the throes of completing my novel, my free time was dedicated to solitude – to reading and writing. That was my priority, rather than relationships. And when I finished my book, I had a boyfriend, so it didn’t hit me until recently that I was floundering, adrift without my own hobby or passion to immerse myself in – something that is within my control.
No, I haven’t started another book. That is, if you consider typed pages a qualification. But I did purchase a brand new mole-skin journal, and on a sunny Saturday when everyone was off picnicking or swimming, I sat in my dark café (it’s mine because I wrote most of my first book sitting in the same chair drinking the same shitty coffee) and started brainstorming ideas. And a vague sense of what my next novel might be began to form. It starts with a warm feeling, like an expanding balloon forming inside, that has yet to be articulated.
I can only guess that for people who have been single for most of their 20s and 30s, revelations like these – learning how to gain satisfaction from our own self-initiated projects – are a no brainer.
But for someone like me, having been married throughout my 20s and part of my 30s, these shifts are conscious. I went into the weekend with a dismissal of love, asking myself, why do we need love? If you are a self-sufficient, generally happy person with the confidence that you can take care of yourself, then why do you need a partner?
Do we put too much emphasis on it? And is it due to the way romance is portrayed in our culture, or how marriage is held up as some ideal that every young woman should aspire to?
Or, is it simply a basic human need that because it is so challenging to satisfy, we’ve defensively “decided” we are fine without it? Have we become too fearful that it makes us look vulnerable, or that it signifies that we are not independent self-autonomous individuals for wanting it? I can count on both hands how many friends I’ve heard say, “Us single women talk about men, about relationships, way too much. We are successful and strong. Come on. What’s our problem?” Granted, this thinking would put dating blogs (mine included?) out of commission.
Without consciously looking for an answer or the awareness that this was my frame of mind, I spontaneously went to see the opening of a friend’s documentary, “Love, Etc.” The film charts the evolution of five romantic relationships in New York over the course of a year. The relationships are diverse, ranging from a single gay man searching for love, who decides to become a single father, to the innocent young love of high-school seniors, to an elderly couple that has been married 48 years.
I was blown away. And not just because the film was heartfelt and humorous. All the stories were real. And bittersweet. A blend of hopeful resolutions and disappointments, that in retrospect, were inevitable. The way love is.
A side note: It did occur to me whether seeing this film at this time in my life was a signifier of the place that I am at. When my ex-husband and I were struggling through what was to become the final year of our marriage, we had made a horror film, about a serial killer. At the risk of an overt and dramatic analogy, it has crossed my mind on more than one occasion whether our film was a signifier of the moribund nature of our dying marriage.
In the middle of “Love, Etc.” one of the characters (a successful theater director), was home-bound in the back of his limo after the opening night of his play. He was alone, looking out the window and he said something that resonated: “That was a success. But it doesn’t matter because I don’t have a partner to share it with.”
A man in his late 40s, who had achieved more than most could dream of professionally, was unabashedly admitting what was missing for him most: love. I briefly wondered whether he would have reached that level of success had he been in a relationship, or whether one had to do with the other at all.
In the end, he doesn’t give up on love. He simply decides not to make it everything. He doesn’t make it his goal. Rather, he decides to go after what he wants most: to be a father.
And in the process, when he isn’t looking, love shows up.
(In case you want to check out the movie: http://loveetcthemovie.com/ )
(In case you want to check out the movie: http://loveetcthemovie.com/ )
Even though I’m now dating someone, I made a conscious effort this weekend to have lots of “me” time so that I don’t forget how important it is to stand on my own two feet. I remember after my divorce when alone time felt lonely and I love that it no longer feels that way. That being said, I would’ve totally met you for a cup of coffee or glass of wine! Next time, just give me a shout 🙂
The documentary looks great and I’m hoping to see it within the next week or two. Thanks for introducing it to me.
Thanks for your mature, deep insight . It made me think of love from a bitter sweet angle.
nudnick
idk what your next book is about but I sure love the idea of a marriage
falling to pieces during the filming of a horror movie…..jus sayin!
I’m a fairly accomplished person. And I wonder if the satisfaction that I’ve gained from those accomplishments has been enough to “distract” me from wanting love.
Now that my goals are less career focused, I think I’m ready to invest time and energy into a relationship.
Hope I don’t regret it 🙂
When you speak of romantic love, I think some of us need it (and miss it) more than others.
I know many women (and men) who seem incapable of being alone very long. If “love” doesn’t exist in a relationship, they manufacture it – or something close enough so they feel more full, or perhaps more conventionally acceptable in moving through life and all it’s challenges as well as happy moments.
Personally, I am not one of those women. I have spent years at a time alone (many), and other years in relationships (including one and only one marriage, but in which my spouse was only minimally “present”).
For those like me, I might say we don’t need love so much as we recognize that we nonetheless thrive differently when love is part of our lives.
All this said, I understand why we pursue love (passion, understanding, companionship, devotion). What I don’t understand is why we continue to pursue marriage, as if it were the brass ring, when those of us who’ve been there, done that – often know it to be otherwise.
Provocative post.