Ten Reasons Why You’re Still Single.
The following question was asked of me four separate times this week, from four different men.
“How in the world are you still single?”
Compliment?
Sure. It was meant to flatter me. Even though my inability to come up with a clear answer made me feel the opposite of flattered.
I considered the following reasons. True or False? (another pop quiz!)
1. I’m divorced and it took me time to be ready for a relationship.
2. I’m single by choice.
3. I haven’t met “the guy” yet.
4. I’m drawn to men who are unavailable (cubs included).
5. I work too much.
6. I’m picky (and gosh darn it I should be!).
7. I need to retool my Jdate and Ok Stupid profiles, and join Match.com.
8. The majority of my friends are married. I need to find more single friends and go to bars with them.
9. Men feel threatened by me and my “strength” or “success.”
10. I’m a blogger who exposes herself online and it’s sabotaging my efforts.
At first, I felt all of the above were False. But now that I’ve written them down, I wonder whether they all might have a shred of truth.
A friend told me not to feel discomfited by this question. “It means these men find you datable!” she reassured me. “They’re just shocked you haven’t been snatched up yet.”
But I wonder if the unspoken implication is, “Is there something wrong with you?”
There is one commonality between the four men who said this: they are all in a relationship (engaged or married).
But what if they weren’t? What if they were single and in a position to actually go out with me? Would they? It’s easy to throw out statements and compliments when you are protected from having to act on them.
When I told Mom about this tonight, she took the question literally. I could see her trying to come up with the real reason why. It was she who offered up .9 above: “You’re successful and strong and men are scared of it.”
I love my mother, and I love that she believes in me, but I got defensive. “So what am I supposed to do, Mom? Not be me? Should I downplay my attributes and be meeker?”
She replied, “No, No. Of course not. You’re wonderful. You’re something else!” (What might that be, I wondered. But I didn’t say anything.) Then she paused, considering what to say next. “Just maybe don’t’ talk about what you do or that you are a writer on the first date.”
Her comment gave me pause. Does she have a point? Do any of you relate to reasons 1-10 above?
This is a tough one. I don’t know you but I think that taking a hard look at why is a good start. It might not have anything to do with who you are or what you are doing. I’m in my thirtees and I know that dating in NY is tough. I ask myself the same questions.
Huff Po Article:
Why You’re Not Married
You want to get married. It’s taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud — even in your mind — feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you’re hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.
You’ve never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.
Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother’s wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride — she was so effing happy — and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you’re not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering… Deep, deep breath… Why you’re not married.
Well, I know why.
How? It basically comes down to this: I’ve been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister’s son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.
I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated — traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I’ve become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships — someone who’s had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.
But I won’t lie. The problem is not men, it’s you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they’re not really standing in your way. Because the fact is — if whatever you’re doing right now was going to get you married, you’d already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let’s look at the top six reasons why you’re not married.
1. You’re a Bitch….
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html
But it’s not even about not being MARRIED, it’s about why you’re not in a relationship.
It really is offensive when people ask this question because it is so judgmental. It also assume that you want to be in a monogamous relationship or want to be married, versus being in some sort of relationship outside the confines of some little box. I also take it as a back-handed compliment – you’re amazing! there must be something wrong with you! And it’s not like any of this is anyone’s business at all, unless you bring up your own personal life. For all they know, you only like super old men and they keep DYING on you 😉 That should be your response.
I don’t even answer this question anymore. I usually just ask whether I should be worried because being single is a terminal condition or something.
I love it. I hear this all the time from my male friends. It’s like, ‘I’m just as shocked as you are buddy!’
In most cases I think they are being sincere in their astonishment. I have issues just like the next. But the majority of the men who say this are in love w/ women far more high maintenance and/or damaged than I. If they can find love, why can’t I?
Sadly, I’m starting believe it’s all luck of the draw.
I have to admit that whenever i read dating blogs that discuss this I roll my eyes because they always leave off the most glaring and obvious answer. Ready?
11. Men don’t consider me safe.
You’re finding comfy ways to say this, but the answer usually is that many/most men simply don’t consider us safe bets.
9. Men feel threatened by me and my “strength” or “success.”
No, men are not threatened by your strength or confidence or success. Stop buying in to that, because it simply isn’t true. That’s a nice way that our male or female friends use to tell us that we come across prickly, obnoxious or abrasive. The men that do fall in those category would never be appropriate for you anyway, so they don’t even count.
2. I’m single by choice.
I don’t believe you’re single by choice. Sorry, but I don’t believe 90% of the dating bloggers who says this. The fact that they blog about dating and relationships negates that claim. Read any of these types of blogs and the bloggers are not only blogging about their dates, but they blog about blogging about their dates. Or they blog about how they went out with their gal pals and discussed, you guessed it, men and dating. People truly happy with being single aren’t consumed by the topic of dating.
6. I’m picky (and gosh darn it I should be!).
Are you picky, though? And is it that you’re picky or that you’re rigid and stubborn and prefer to date men that you know won’t last in your life – like much younger men – because the thought or real emotional intimacy scares you?
10. I’m a blogger who exposes herself online and it’s sabotaging my efforts.
We have a winner. This, along with the others I mentioned above, is a huge factor. And I know many bloggers will say that the “right” guy will get it and accept it and support our compulsive need to over share. But 90% of them won’t. Sorry, depending on the content, very, VERY few men will take on the female dating blogger. It’s too emotionally risky. Most men don’t get it. And the ones that get it and encourage us to write about them are almost always attention hounds. You don’t want to be with a guy that contacts you through your blog or twitter and says he wants to take you out. They want to see what you’ll say about them. It’s about the attention. There’s a reason why so many bloggers, after revealing their blog to a new guy, writes that obligatory “Maybe they read my blog and that’s why they bailed/maybe my blog is interfering with my love life” post. Even the most confident of men will be thrown at the thought of be deconstructed on a blog. It’s not a coincidence that pretty much EVERY dating blogger you come across can’t get past the 2nd or 3rd or even first date.
Some of us are in the “been there, done that” category.
We may want to be in a committed relationship, but marriage?
Um, not so much…
I have never been married.
It is a choice to not just be in a relationship or marriage out of desperation.
The wrong kinds of men do gravitate towards me.
I am in school and not working.
I want someone fun but mature and driven. If that is picky let me stay single.
I have checked out more than my share of dating sites. They are hit or miss at best.
Most of my friends are married.
I am intimidating. That is what my class mates tell me just from our interactions in class. Many of them are older and in recovery.
I blog about God and my walk with Him. I want a man who’s walk with God is all but intimidating to me.
My problem is #3. I have yet to meet someone that is as interesting as they are challenging who is cute, single and interested in me.
My hobbies are very girly and close to home. I tell myself I need to radically change up what I do to get a better view of what might be available. I have never joined a gym. I do not play sports. I do not even go to that many sporting events.
I want a driven successful partner since that is where I see myself headed. I am more likely to meet gamer geeks in the coffee shops and book stores I hang out in.
Wonderful post. For some reason I rarely get the “why are you still single” — I may have to blog about that. But what I do get is — your husband must have been crazy (to leave). This is meant as a compliment, mostly, but it makes me wonder whether it is an attempt to find out what is wrong with me or what I did to deserve such behavior. I find it very unsettling. Are they really wondering — Is she frigid? Is she a secret bitch? Was she cheating? Is she psycho? Is she a drunk/druggie? Makes me very paranoid.
Oh I guess that’s it. I’m paranoid. Does everybody know?
2, 4, 6, 9 and 10. I feel like I’m playing Lotto! I don’t see the success thing as intimidating, but I’ve heard from guys that it is. Maybe your Mom is right?
Do You mind a guy perspective? I have said those infamous words to women I admire on occasion (did you note the use of “admire”?) There was nothing subtle or occult implied.