Is being 'a catch' a liability in love?
I wrote this post as a guest blog for Simone Grant of www.sex-lies-dating.com and got some interesting comments on her blog http://su.pr/21PncX from her followers. Love to hear what you guys think too, so please comment here!
Yes, I’m going to go there. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I’m going to call myself out and blog about the fact that I am worthy. Any woman in her thirties who isn’t able to embrace what she has to offer a man, or the world, has got bigger issues than finding a mate. By now, after having been married, rebounded, broken some hearts and had my own heart broken too, it comes down to being real about who I am. I haven’t come to this conclusion by myself. I’ve taken stock of what friends and family tell me – people who know me. Including some male friends who have said the following to me: “You’re a lot, Cougel. You’re a strong woman. You’re attractive and smart, but moreover, you’re tough. I meet even dare say, scary. I wouldn’t want to be your enemy!”
Um…thanks?
So, is this a compliment? I mean, what is a woman to do with this information? Am I supposed to downplay my best attributes, diminish my “light” as they say? Gain ten pounds, ditch the hair color treatments, fake a lisp or feign some vulnerability, and shut the fuck up when I’m hanging out with a group of eligible men so that I don’t overshadow them?
Yes! If I could do that, I would probably have better luck. But then I wouldn’t be myself. And at the end of the day – or rather in the morning when I wake up, in my own skin, not in my friend’s or neighbors or dog’s – me is all I have. And if I’m faking me, if I’m twisting aspects of me and my growth away from the light, then I’d be a sad plant whose been tied up to grow against its natural grain.
I’m writing about this because as in most post break-up phases and hazes, I’m doing some accounting of the self. I’m looking back on my last two or three relationships (marriage not included), and I’m finding a pattern. I’m studying what I call the “point of entry” into my relationships – the courtship stage which graduates into the boyfriend/girlfriend phase, and I’m wondering, how did I get there? How do two people make that transition? It’s elusive to me. And yet, in retrospect, I’m afraid to admit that all of those relationships got off the ground as conquests. Where the guy “wanted” me, because of whatever he believed me to be from afar (the idea of me) and decided, “I’m gonna get that girl.”
Since my break up, some men have come out of the woodwork who I used to know platonically or otherwise. Now that I’m single, they’re back on the prowl. It’s cougel hunting season! I had a man practically wrestle me to the ground the other night trying to convince me why he was right for me, what he could offer me that my ex-boyfriend could not. But all along, what he was really saying was, “Why not me? What’s wrong with me that you won’t have me?”
The truth is (although this isn’t why), if I did submit, if I did resurrect his ego by agreeing to be with him, what do you think would happen? He’d probably be like, “Oh shit, I didn’t think I’d actually catch my prey. And now that I have, what the hell do I do with it?” Am I being cynical? I don’t think so.
Funny enough, in all of those instances where I did end up with the guy, I was initially reticent. “No!” I said emphatically. “It’s never gonna happen,” or “I love cubs but you just missed the cub-off by a year!” or “You just got divorced yesterday!” “You’re two inches shorter than me!” and even, “You’re not only not Jewish, you’re not even circumsized!”
Well, where did that lead me, you ask? Yep, to the guy chasing me down harder. My falling. In love. Showing and giving of my true self. And then? Yeah. You’ve heard this story before. Guy pulls a Houdini. But this is not a newsflash. People, men and women, inherently love the chase. I’d even say it’s elemental for every relationship’s point of entry.
So if that’s human nature, then what do we do about it? Play games? Change who we are?
My mother says not to. So do my sisters. But they aren’t single, and they are not in my shoes. My mother, when reading my blog says “Who are you? Where did you come from?” If your own mother thinks you’re an alien, or has blocked out your birth from her own womb, where does that leave you? For firsts, it probably means don’t take her advice.
My own sister once said, when I was heading out the door to City Crab on a blind date, what my male friend said too: “Just be careful. You’re a lot. Try not to be too much.” So I proceeded to walk to City Crab with my tail between my legs, and every time I had something witty to say, I had another crab leg instead. Which led to my feeling pretty crabby.
Did my meek damsel in distress masquerade make a difference? Did the dude call? Course not.
I know I’m asking a lot of questions here. Cuz it’s a work in progress. What do you all think? I’ve floated this theory by some men and they (sadly) have confirmed that:
All a guy really needs is a hot chick who doesn’t badger him. Who is “smart enough” and laughs at his jokes. And gives him frequent blow jobs.
True or false?
If true – what are women with more than that to give supposed to do?
Blog?
“So, is this a compliment? I mean, what is a woman to do with this information?”
It is not a compliment, although it was pitched to you as one so as not to hurt your feelings. The guy is telling you that you are “too tough” and, therefore, not attractive to him.
Finding a man to chase you or try to have sex with you is not an accomplishment and does not distinguish you in any way from all other women. ALL women get hit on by guys. Let me repeat. Your experience of being chased by men is COMMON and doesn’t make you special. That’s because guys will generally have sex with anyone and some will chase everyone, just for the fun of chasing.
What to do? You have two choices. You can find a man that IS attracted to you and your toughness (in my view, those men are in the minority and may not be all that attractive to you.) Or, you can change yourself and make yourself more attractive to the men who you are attracted to. Those are your only choices. As some blogger once said, “it isn’t brain surgery.”
Balance. Its all about Balance.
Find a man who loves you for you – strength, big mouth and all – but balance it with self awareness. Strength is wonderful and should be celebrated as long as it doesn’t overshadow or hurt someone else. As long as it allows you to share and give the mic to someone else once in a while.
Find the strength to be strong and the humility to allow your partner to find room for his own strength in the relationship too. It doesn’t mean your not being yourself just means your not alone.
No Cougel, I think you can badger them . . . as long as you give them frequent blowjobs.
-NH
Ok here some European thinking – forget all this over analyzing – LOL best part when a man tells you “You’re a lot, Cougel. You’re a strong woman. You’re attractive and smart, but moreover, you’re tough. I meet even dare say, scary. I wouldn’t want to be your enemy!” – Don’t even think about this bullshit twice. Obviously he is not your level or better how we say your “Kragenweite” :-). Be 100% yourself, witty, smart, tough. Don’t look for someone – it will come to you. So in the meantime enjoy the flirting and chasing. Mr. Right will pop up one day – when you are least expecting it! And surprise – he will love you the way you are. 🙂
@ anonymous who wrote: “Finding a man to chase you or try to have sex with you is not an accomplishment and does not distinguish you in any way from all other women.”
I wonder if you misread the intention of my post, because I agree and acknowledge that absolutely! It is in no way an accomplishment, nor is it the goal – at least it’s not mine.
The point, and maybe the subject of another post, is that I’m wondering whether the desire to chase (and copulate) is so innate that it obscures a man from seeing the woman for who she really is from the get-go, and from sticking around to find out?
I thank you for reading and commenting.
“I’m wondering whether the desire to chase (and copulate) is so innate that it obscures a man from seeing the woman for who she really is from the get-go, and from sticking around to find out?”
I think the desire for sex is pretty common but the desire mindlessly to “chase” is NOT innate to all men. Not at all. It’s just the ones YOU are meeting. Why is that? Because your personality (as you describe it, at least) is pushing the “normal” guys away. Only the limited number of mindless guys who would chase anything are willing to put in effort to get to know you.
That is what people mean when they suggest that you to take it down a notch. Be more open-minded and less abrasive. More “normal.” Then the normal guys will want to be around you.
@ anonymous: Hmmm..have we met? Why would you assume that I’m abrasive? Seems that you’re the only commentor on both blogs that suggests changing who you are.
I don’t personally think Cougel should wait around for the “normal” guys. She’s an amazing woman and when she meets a guy that is as amazing as she is, he will want someone that is his equal on every level. She won’t have to make herself less (“or more “normal””) in any way, because he will love her for all of her greatness.
Geez, I can’t tell if you’re a girl that’s really jealous of her or a guy that really likes her and she didn’t like you back. Chill out. 🙂
I get it. Women think she’s “amazing.” Her mom and sister thinks she’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. I understand.
The problem though is the men. Other than her daddy and brothers. Men. Of which I am one. (And a chill and unbaised one at that, you’ll have to take my word.)
I don’t know whether she’s abrasive in real lfie or not. My reading is based on what she has chosen to write here in her blog and, in particular, in this post, how she describes herself and what she says people have told her. Plus, she invited commentary on same and I gave it. This most certainly isn’t about me.
Feel free not to take any of my advice, sweeties. I’ll be fine.
“Seems that you’re the only commentor on both blogs that suggests changing who you are.”
Pretty strong claim considering (a) I’m fairly cetain that you deleted a comment here that seemed to agree with my first comment and (b) the other blogger moderates her comments and deliberately avoids controversy.
Delude yourselves if you want but you’re not fooling me!
You know, there really are some women that are just special in their own way. I don’t know Cougel well, in fact I probably haven’t seen her face-to-face in over 10 years or so, but she is just one of those women – beautiful, smart, strong, funny… I know a few in my life and dating is never easy for them. Regardless, I know a few men in my life that are special in their own way too – handsome, smart, strong, funny and I’d say the same thing to them. Don’t settle. Hold out until you find someone as wonderful as you. And more than anything, don’t change who you are to please someone else. That’s a surefire way to have a relationship not work out.
So, anonymous, I think I’ll suggest that she not take your advice. Who wants to look back on their life and say, “Yeah, I settled, but at least I had a man/woman in my life…” That’s just not what it’s all about. Better to wait.
Admittedly petty retort ahead:
“Delude yourselves if you want but you’re not fooling me!”
Yeah, anonymous, you’re really chill. I’ll take your word for it. LOL
Not to in any way diminish your experience, but none of this is remotely new. If you look closely at cave paintings from the Stone Age you’ll find the complaint that “I’m a strong successful opinionated woman. Why can’t I find a man who will love me as I am and treat me as an equal partner?” Why? because finding compatible companions is difficult business especially in a place like NYC where the options are limitless and that “perfect” person could be just one date away! the grass is greener syndrome is rampant in larger urban environments because the dating pool is more diverse. Easier to find a match in a more homogeneous area. Plus the higher you are on the intellectual and emotional food chain, the more complex the relationship thus the harder it is to find a suitable mate. If you want a simple, go on “Jersey Shore”
Many men are threatened by strong women. And many aren’t. And of course most men would agree that they would like “a hot chick who doesn’t badger him. Who is smart enough and laughs at his jokes. And gives him frequent blow jobs.” Those women are called “hookers”
So my advice as a person and as a man: stay true to yourself, keep looking, and don’t settle with someone not right to satisfy exterior goals (babies, being married to be married, money, etc) Life is a series of small disappointments, the key is not letting it get you down. The right person will come along. Have fun in the meantime and don’t think so much. There are roughly 1.6 million men between 25-49 in NYC, has to be at least 1 in there who works for you…
i’m a guy, and I think Cougel sounds like the real deal. I have no idea what she looks like, but she seems curvy, edgy, sexy and smart. No need to change.
To the world out there I am anonymous but to you my dear Cougel I am the one who know “Piggy” from her puppy years ! My thoughts about this is to stay who you are because that will attrack the right people in this case men at the right time ! I believe there is the right one for all of us ! Mom and sis heve their own opinion, don’t let their opinion guide your life !
Xoxo!!
Cougel, I totally relate to your post and thank you for writing about your experience. I’m also an early 30’s woman in the city, smart, attractive- you’ll have to take my word on it! There are no shortage of men who show interest in me but it doesn’t go anywhere! Always seems like it’s the chase. As soon as I reciprocate the interest, or talk about exclusivity, poof, they’re gone.
I don’t think you should change, as I don’t think that I should change either. I agree with coeyrep who commented, “the higher you are on the intellectual and emotional food chain, the more complex the relationship thus the harder it is to find a suitable mate.”
Hang in there, it’s better to enjoy your own company than be with the wrong person.
L