To blog or not to blog: Should writers tell the truth, even when they're single and dating?
I’ve been in a bit of funk lately. Usually I can blame it on pms, but in the absence of that, I’m looking for something to assign this feeling of raw vulnerability to. I think part of it is this time of year. It’s more than just gloomy weather, or the anxiety that comes with summer’s end and the pressures of what is supposed to be a productive time; with no more days off or Jewish holidays that gobble up most of September. The leaves are changing, and for me, it’s signifying some internal changes too.
The novel that I started writing over three years ago has reached a certain, exciting stage. With that, I am experiencing a feeling of both unnerving trepidation and boundless possibility. I didn’t know this about myself, but I might be slightly superstitious, so I’m not going to get into it here, except to say that it marks the close of one very long chapter, and the start of a new one. Not so coincidentally, I’m feeling like my blog is also at an intersection of sorts. When I started writing it, as I did my novel, it was because I had stuff to say, and enjoyed doing so. I didn’t think about whether it was going to grow, if anyone was going to read it, or how they would feel when doing so. If I did, I probably would never have started it at all. Worry and fear of what others might think paralyzes a writer. Our honesty, our life experiences and tribulations are our life-blood and I don’t think I would know how to write without those things to draw from. Would I have anything to say? I admire writers of science fiction, fantasy, or mysteries, who can invent worlds that appear remote and unrelated to their own personal lives. It took getting to this stage that I’m at, where I actually have some readers – after a lonely journey of writing in a vacuum – to recognize that I am simply not that kind of writer.
And with that realization, comes a bunch of conflict. This is new territory for me.
People I am close to, including family members, close friends, and exes too, are reading about me. Not just the blog, a public journal of sorts, but my novel too, which is semi-autobiographical and a window into what I call my life “pre-blog,” although it is fictionalized and significant parts of it completely imagined. Exposing myself, as well as my past, was not my initial intention, plan, and nowhere near the goal. Exposure is what I’d call a bi-product of finding my voice, my self, as a writer. My mother is reading my book now, for the first time. She is experiencing what her daughter “experienced” during a difficult time in her life, and in a way, I am reliving it with her. When she called me, after reading page one, I reacted defensively when she said: “It says ‘fucking’ three times on the first page! Is that allowed??” “Mom,” I said, “It’s a book. It’s fiction. Anything is allowed! And by the way, there is actual fucking that comes later in the book, so deal with it.” You could say the subtext to that is: “Your daughter (or the character in the book whom you identify with as your daughter), has sex!”
This happened around the same time that I went on a few dates with guys who know about my blog after befriending me on Facebook, and it’s raised some questions. When I started the blog back in March, I didn’t have many dates lined up. I was post break up #1 with my cub, and as I said above, I really wasn’t thinking anyone was going to read it, so censoring or being “mindful” of a potential future boyfriend’s feelings was not a consideration. My ex-cub, who I’ve known since I started writing my novel over three years ago, and my blog too, was (and I believe still is) one of the first to read my posts. When we were together, I blogged about other things – our relationship was kept private (although that limited my subject matter significantly, and probably diluted the blog’s “brand”). And now that we are broken up, I am careful not to say anything hurtful about him (although truthfully he hasn’t given me any reason to). Nor has he ever taken offense by anything I’ve written. He encourages me to keep going, and said, “You’re a writer. You have to write what feels right, and I don’t want to ever thwart that. I’d rather you write shit about me, than not write.”
Good man.
But more than that, he is a writer too, a songwriter. He understands the process. So for a guy like him, my being a writer, an expressionist, is not a threat. It’s an appealing quality. And, he can keep up with what I’m doing. I wish I had the same advantage. Lucky him. Or maybe not. Because on the flip side, what is going to happen, I wonder, when I do enter into a new relationship? Am I going to blog about it? How could I not? I know I am going to hesitate, knowing it might hurt him, but in the end, I’m guessing the choice is going to be to write the truth.
So now that the blog has grown, along with me, I find myself single, dating, and wondering what new potential mates might think should they read it. I can’t control what they read and what they Google, especially when they Google ‘Cougel.’ I mean, should a guy that is interested in me be my Facebook friend, where he can easily link to my blog? Probably not, right? That’s a whole other question. Friends have advised me, “Don’t tell a guy you go on one date or three with about your blog, because then they will know everything about you, more than you know about them. And there will be less for them to ask you and discover over time.” (Although you could say that the guy should be pleased that he doesn’t have to guess what I’m thinking). This makes sense, and I don’t disagree with it. But what am I supposed to do, when being a writer has become so much a part of who I am? Should I hide the fact that I blog altogether, when it gives me so much joy? Should I hide the fact that I wrote a novel? Because when people ask me what its about, if I answer honestly, it immediately reveals that I was once married, for how long, and that it didn’t go so well. (For those of you rolling your eyes right now, saying: “Stop over-thinking!,” my response would be, “That would be like trying to tell a straight dude to like guys.”)
I think for some women, doing the above is easy. But I’m not sure I’m built that way. It poses a conflict for me. I have an awful poker face, and am by nature an open “over-sharer.” I can try, but it doesn’t feel right.
I talked to a fellow blogger today. His blog is extremely popular and he is not anonymous. He is married with children and writes about being a dad. I told him how people who find my blog via Twitter etc. don’t know my real name, and I love writing to that audience, because I’m free. And because they don’t know me, they respond positively. He said it shouldn’t matter, to reference my real name. “It’s time for Clark Kent to become Superman,” he said. I laughed (I don’t totally get the analogy), but when I said, “But it might affect my dating life. I’m single. What if I want to write about a date I had, because it’s funny or worth sharing? Am I risking sabotaging my dating life for my professional one, my passion?” He didn’t laugh in response. “Dude. That blows,” he said. “And not in a good way.”
I’d love to hear your input on this one – especially if you’re a writer too. I know some “single NYC dating” bloggers who write under pseudonyms. There’s a reason for it. And what do memoirists do? Not the ones who are married, but the ones who are single and conscious of how they project themselves and what information they are divulging? Should they not give a shit?
Dont censor yourself… this blog isn’t about boyfriends, your family, or dates. It’s about you and thats what makes it worth reading.
-jf
Tough call. I think if I was dating a writer and they wrote about “us” or me, as much as I’d want to be cool with it, it would get in the way.
Great title! 🙂
You say: “…my being a writer, an expressionist…” So which is it, are you an expressionist? Or an exhibitionist? What is the message this blog is giving the men you date?
“I wouldnt have written this post openly ASKING questions about it in the first place”
Ha. Yeah, you ask the question but then, when you don’t like an answer, you flip out defensively and/or delete the “offending” comment. I’m not angry, by the way. I was simply answering your question. Honestly. And, yes, anonymously so that I’m not subject to the very PERSONAL scrutiny to which you subject the men you date or people who disagree with you. A statement is either true or it’s not. The speaker shouldn’t matter.
– Different Anonymous
Publicly exposing yourself in any way is an act of exhibitionism. If you were just writing this to organize your thoughts then a regular diary would suffice. Instead you choose to put your private thoughts on the internet for anybody to read and judge.
If you didn’t want attention then you wouldn’t create a Twitter account and a Facebook page promoting your blog.
What you need to figure out is if your need for attention is more important than the feelings of someone else.
You won’t be true to yourself if you don’t follow your passion, but your next man could be an equally if not potentially more important passion. You can have your cake and eat it too.
The important thing is to be honest with your dates, tell them about your blog, ask for permission to refer to them, offer them your rules, negotiate if need be and respect their wishes. That doesn’t need to be date number one, and you also don’t have to offer up Facebook early on either…that could be akin to the mistake of giving “it” up to early.
There maybe a guy important enough to not blog about if that’s his desire, and if that’s the case, you let your audience know. They’ll respect you for respecting boundaries.
The next man you will be with will need to love you for you and not judge you on your past. That’s what’s brought you to him in all your wisdom. Exposing yourself makes you very vulnerable, but it also frees you. It lets you be your true self, which will attract the right guy who is comfortable enough with himself to see the beauty in your full humanity, not just a front.
Anon3
The next man you will be with will need to love you for you and not judge you on your past
I don’t think the problem is being judged for your past. Unless the person you’re dating is another blogger who blogs about their personal life, most people have a hard time understanding why anybody would share personal stories or intimate details of their life to a bunch a faceless strangers on the internet.
That’s the disconnect for most people.
That’s the judgment made – why does this person need to s) share so much and b) need this much attention?
I don’t know who all these people are who are feeling compelled to both read your blog and make very judgmental remarks on it are, but I for one thank you for putting yourself out there. Honestly, the point of criticism is silly–every writer on the planet could be called an exhibitionist–for that matter anyone who tells a story is public could be.
What your blog’s doing is making women who’ve gone through a divorce feel a little braver about going out there and being brave too.
So keep to that mission of seeking your own truth and only good will come of it. People who are seeking to tear you or the blog down through anonymous comments probably have far deeper issues to deal with, so let them, and keep shining your light for the rest of us to see through the dark…and be secretly proud of yourself that what you have to say can provoke such a reaction.
Yay Cougel!
wow, this is how guys think in nyc re: dating
http://billcammack.com/2008/04/19/6-reasons-new-york-city-is-the-neverland-of-dating-for-da-fellaz/
so sad!!
I had been wondering how you ended up on my site, and now I know. 😀
Thanks for the repost, Anonymous. Interesting topic, Cougel.
The way I deal with it personally is that I blog about technique and general circumstances. Anything I have to say about myself happened a LOOOOOONG time ago, which doesn’t mean that the concepts are no longer valid in my life.
The two issues I found with current-blogging is a) anyone that you had an even remotely similar experience with assumes that you’re talking about them and you’ve changed the facts slightly in order to thinly mask the personal situation that happened between you, and b) people attempt to speculate about who you might be talking about, based on the people that they are aware that you know.
Both of these are issues because I have a lot of redundant experiences with people, so I might have 4 or 5 people feeling like I put their business in the street. In fact, I don’t put ANYONE’S business on public display and I only bring myself up in my blog when I feel like there’s something useful the reader might be able to learn from it.
I was asked a couple of weeks ago whether my blogging hinders my meeting and spending time with women. In fact, it’s enhanced my situation immensely because I’ve been able to meet a lot of intelligent, thinking women BECAUSE they read one or more of my posts or a friend of theirs made them aware of my blog.
I think that’s partially because my content is really about general issues that lots of people have to deal with at some point in their lives, instead of “I went out last night and met this chick in a bar and this is what happened…”.
I’d like to say that you should be who you are, write what you want, and not worry about how it will impact your dating life. I’d love to say that the perfect guy for you will be the one who will embrace that side of you, accept it & respect it.
But honestly, I’m not sure if that’s just me living in a dream world.
I do want to note that I love your blog & am happy to have “met” you. I feel a little less alone as a single NYC girl trying to figure it all out. Please, ignore the negative vibes & continue what you’re doing. There are plenty of us who appreciate you and your writing 🙂
This Bill dude makes me shudder. Seriously–the stuff of nightmares.
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Sorry for going off on a tangent, Cougel..
You should shudder, Anonymous. That’s my entire point.
If you don’t recognize reality, there’s nothing you can do about reality.
Intelligent women recognize that it’s better to know about all the possibilities instead of just the rosy, cheery, “Everything’s going to be just fine”, “Somebody’s going to love you”, “‘The One’ actually exists”, “You can get a man regardless of how you look and/or how you carry yourself” options that are spoon-fed to you by people that know they’re only telling you half the truth.. The half you WANT to hear.
—
As far as the actual topic, *THIS* is why bloggers should tell the truth, Cougel. 🙂 I never even heard about your blog until yesterday, yet there are people sharing my posts here and commenting about the content.
You’re helping more people than you realize by posting your real-life experiences. They’re going through the same things and suffering in silence. They’re reading, even if they’re not commenting. They’re sharing your ideas with friends, whether they are for or against your message.
These “Anonymous” posters have their own blogs and co-workers and friends and family members that they share YOUR ideas with. This is why it’s important to tell the truth if you can. Somebody’s going to learn something from you whether they like what you’re saying or not. >:D
I always used to say: I blog about my life, I just happen to meet alot of guys in my life.
I think the most important thing is establishing your own set of blog rules. What you blog about, who you blog about, and how you blog about it. It’s all very personal. I’ve put it out there that I never blog about a guy I am currently dating or interested in. I also have great stories that I have never told because I have been asked by men to not blog about it (even if it was years ago) and I respect that. Are we all like that? of course not. Many “dating” bloggers out there even dare I say it “date to blog” and nothing good can ever come of that in my mind.
A blog should always be about YOU, and never about anyone else. What makes you feel best is what should go up.
Wow. I stumbled on your blog as I am plodding through the exact same issues. Here is a quote from an editor I admire that helped me: “The minute you capitulate to changing even a single adjective to please someone else, or choose one adjective over another to protect a person’s feelings, you pull the plug on your own respirator.”
Good luck and thank you for being so honest.
hmm. Don’t know where my previous comment went, but:
@Anonymous: You’re *SUPPOSED* to shudder. Right after that, you’re supposed to WAKE UP and stop falling for the same simple tricks guys always play on you to great effect because you refuse to envision reality.
@Lissa: That’s an interesting quote. I think it’s true as far as the fact that you’re no longer speaking from your actual nature, but I personally find that changing my delivery makes my writing more palatable and more easily consumed by the casual passer-by.
The people I actually kick it with about these things IRL get the real deal, unadulterated.
This is so tricky. I think that honesty, above all else, is what readers most strongly recognize and connect with. It also can’t be fabricated. So I think you should definitely be honest and truthful in your writing…the only question is whether you do that anonymously or put your name out there. As far as dating goes, I’d imagine you’d want this blog to be anonymous. The question is if that’s possible for you at this point if your real-life Facebook page links to your blog. Could you simply avoid friending new dating prospects until things have progressed to the point where you’re ready to tell them about this blog?
I have several writing friends working on memoirs/creative nonfiction manuscripts. They write under pseudonyms. They don’t blog, anonymously or otherwise. I don’t even know what will happen when they publish their books, if they’ll do readings or not. They’re also married and so aren’t worried about the dating aspect. But they write about sensitive matters relating to their families, religion, etc., and feel they can only be honest about these things by using pen names. Something to think about…if staying anonymous keeps you honest, then I think that might be the best path.
I just started my blog a few months ago. Prior to that, I maintained a fairly anonymous online presence. It feels strange and a little scary to blog under my name and reveal so much about myself, but it’s also oddly freeing. There are certain things I just won’t blog about, though, things I *might* if I were anonymous. But I’m fine with that, and I just work hard to be sure that whatever I blog about is honest and true.